Well, recruitment starts tomorrow and I am so excited! I’ll be driving up really early in the morning to be there by 8 am. It will be a nice early morning. But, it’s alright because I’ve been looking forward to it.
Anyway, other than that I haven’t got much content for the day, so here’s another letter. This is a hard one, but since I don’t have many readers, it shouldn’t matter too much. This isn’t as fluffy a letter as the last time and is addressed to someone who caused me pain. If you wanted to read the last letter I wrote to my best friends, you can go here: To My Best Friends As for this letter, it’s to an ex-boyfriend named Brody. I know I mentioned a Brody in passing the other day, but rest assured they are two different people. It’s just an unfortunate circumstance that they have the same name because the current Brody is pretty much awesome. Anyway, this is to the old Brody and something he needs to hear.
Brody,
So I said I would write you an email about the issue I still have with you and I guess this is that email.
It pretty much all stems from this statement, I think: “But, I didn’t really care enough/value you enough…” Add whatever you like to the end of that, you’ve said it plenty of times and clearly know how to make a girl feel wanted, or you know, feel as though she has a legitimate right to existence. But I’ve already come to accept the fact that when it comes to you, I’m no more important than say a computer or a shoe. Actually, that statement always makes me feel less important than a shoe, so I’ve taken my ability to breathe, function, or have feelings in stride.
I feel like I can say this to you now, because I took a long time to think about it and it only sort of stings now. It’s really something you should consider, not leading people on when you are only sort of humoring them. I know your biggest concern is yourself, everyone’s is, but there is always a point where you have to be aware of other people. And, quite honestly, if I were a different type of person, well, I’ll let you sort all that out for yourself. Rather, I’m going to go through all of this with you, though I honestly don’t know how you’ll react, but I’m on this communication kick, so here goes nothing.
First, what you did on my birthday was pretty low. You’re out celebrating the birthday of the girl you’re dating and she gets sick, what should you do? Leave her to somehow figure out a way to get up her stairs and into her bed and not get sick all over herself? Yup, sounds good to me. I spent my night sleeping in an itty bitty bathroom, when, if nothing else, that’s really the one time you should take care of a person you’re supposed to care about. I’ve done it for moderate strangers, so I honestly can’t see one reason you wouldn’t have kept me with you other than that previously mentioned quote, but that is beside the point. I should have realized a lot of things the night of my birthday, but I’ve already come to terms with my part of all this, and furthermore a drunk/sick person can’t necessarily be expected to think rationally.
Second, given the above, you were probably pretty aware of the whole lack of care and value on your part, so all of that was unnecessary. In fact, all of January was unnecessary. I also did not particularly appreciate that you waited until I was angry enough to call you. Or that you wouldn’t even see me. I certainly feel that I at least deserved to be seen for all that, but again that goes back to the whole care and value thing. Regardless, since you were the one who wanted to get rid of me, you should have put forth the effort to do so. I still stand by that.
That’s pretty much the background information leading up to what really bothered me, so I’ll continue.
What resulted from your month of tossing my emotions around every way was me getting increasingly paranoid. I will admit I already had a certain level of paranoia or clinging towards men, but those are my own personal set of issues that really doesn’t concern you, nor do I necessarily feel that I need to justify them to you. The point is, getting jerked around for a month made me terrified about any lack of contact from other men. And you know that whole situation with the next guy, so I won’t get into it. However, freaking out the minute you don’t hear from a normally attentive person for a couple of days is totally wrong and uncalled for, but it ended up being a correct suspicion. Things shouldn’t work like that. And I don’t feel as though it was fair to put me through that in addition to dealing with a separation.
Really, though, all of this pales in comparison to the rest of the semester. Suddenly, everything became this one-up game to you. Anything I was happy about, you had to squash into mediocrity. Anything I was terrified about, you glossed over like it was no big deal, because everything was coming up roses for you. And then you belittled me constantly. That’s no way to be friends.
The point of belittling that bothered me most goes back to me feeling like a shoe to you. I am a woman, a person, a human being, not an object. I was all of those things before I met you and I still am after having known you. Yet, despite this, you once told me that in your mind I am yours and will always be yours? I’m sorry, but if you tell someone you don’t want them, they definitely don’t belong to you anymore (if they ever did). And despite all of this, you had the gall to tell me that in some fucked up way, you love me? And then you made me worry that I was only capable of screwed up, wholly inadequate abandonment love. I’m sure you can’t even imagine how it feels to only have people who’ve left you tell you that they love you. And then they leave you to wonder what on earth is wrong with you that you can only be loved when you’re left behind. You can’t tell someone you don’t care for them or value them and yet, you love them. It doesn’t work that way. And because it doesn’t work that way, you definitely cannot be offended at the fact that they lived their life before they met you or that they lived it afterward. Honestly, I still don’t understand why it matters to you how many men I’ve kissed or seen or dated. Furthermore, I don’t understand what right you have to dislike the people I decide to date. If you can admit that you should have treated me better, than I don’t understand how you can dislike people who treated me decently enough. Like Evan, for example, who I dated long before you. I don’t know if it’s really fair to dislike him if he came around before you did and cared enough about me in whatever sad way it ended up. Yet you said you hated him. That’s not fair, and you know it.
And despite all of this, you text me to get help for a theme party costume, prefacing it with “I don’t know if you can help me, but…” knowing full well that I would take offense at being thought incapable of dressing for a theme party. And honestly, you just continued to pop up whenever you were the furthest thing from my mind. For not caring about me, you wanted to hear from me a lot. That’s why I returned your sweatshirt, I wanted to cut ties for a while. And then you texted me while I was at camp too. It was just too much.
But I’ve had my time with ties cut and I got over pretty much everything. Except this: you can’t lay a claim on or love someone you don’t value or care about. Or rather, you can, but it doesn’t make sense and you shouldn’t. And that’s the sad difference between you and I. If I had said I loved you, you would have either laughed or cringed, but either way, you would have thought me a fool. You actually do say it to me, and I feel only pain and self loathing. That’s not fair.
So that’s pretty much it. I wanted to be friends, but only I’ve really made an effort to be friends, and I am tired of having to be the one to continually make efforts with everyone. Honestly, I’d just feel better with some explanation and if we are only Scrabble friends, rather than actual friends, I guess that’s that, even if we did have fun. Or, maybe it’s better if we’re not friends, I don’t really know.
Anyway, with all of this, really you should be able to work things out with Hannah, since you actually care for and value her as a human being, and not as a shoe. And if there’s some way you can make her understand that she could be a shoe, I’m pretty sure she’d be less controlling. On the other hand, maybe she’s controlling of you so she doesn’t become a shoe. Really, it’s none of my business, but there are my thoughts on it. As I said, if nothing else, you’re persistent and steadfast when it comes to what you want, so if you set your mind to this relationship working out in your favor, I’m sure you can make it happen.
And, yup, that’s pretty much everything.
Sincerely, Deidree
Help! I'm Post-Grad... 